Hello! I read a fair chunk of your story. I understand it's a WIP, but I wrote some notes. The document turned out quite long, as I had to quote some of the paragraphs where I was referencing specific text. Some of the notes are pointing out typos and program errors, while others are more general about the story.
I put it all on pastebin and set the link to unlisted + exp in 6 months. Feel free to check it out here if you're interested: https://pastebin.com/L4Wf1i4K
It's your story so feel free to take them or leave them, of course. However, I figured maybe some of the notes I wrote could be helpful, and at least save some of your time finding typos.
Thank you for your inputs and feedback. It's really helpful for the story and it helps with the improving, but if I'm being honest I kinda feel close to scrapping it all already. I've had less time to invest in the game lately. I think I need a break to focus on some real life things for a while. We'll see how that goes.
Hey author - thanks for the response and no problem. Happy to hear my notes have helped. Sorry to hear that you're considering scrapping it. I totally get how writing such a story can be very time-consuming, especially because I also write and I'm slow AF lol.
Of course, as a reader, I'd love to see you keep at it. Even if you need to go on hiatus for a while, or do much smaller updates, I definitely think it's a project worth continuing. Even if you have to relaunch the project a few years from now, it'd be great if you didn't scrap it entirely.
Either way, wishing ya the best. Good luck with whatever you decide on.
There's a certain red flag RO that will show up in Chapter 6 on Cleias route, and later if you went the Grandfather route. Still, even if you think a RO is all nice and kind, time might change things. (Some will grow up differently)
Just finished, great game. Can't wait to read some more.
MC childhood is adorable if a bit horrifying in some spots. Parents are actually nice if with some eccentricities when it come to the father. Gramps is a beast. Kalya is adorable as a best friend and it's fun seeing relationship grow.
Few errors after being "kidnapped" and pressing "The elemental has a question"
Error: cannot find a closing tag for macro <<if>></if>
<<if $element == "earth">>…
and
Error: cannot find a closing tag for macro <<if>>
<<if $element="=" "air"="">>…</if></if>
Hey! I'm not home right now so I can't check the code, but I played through the first chapter on the phone and managed to advance. Could you please tell me what word you used? I'll try to fix it when I can. (I believe this must be about the first word said when MC is a baby?)
I added a text box with a confirm button under. It should fix the issue. I also found another bug in chapter 5 regarding two different values. Forgot to add a $. Should work as intended. :)
Yes, I released each chapter individually. As for the 'Reborn' in the title, I improved the writing and grammar in the earlier chapters since English is not my first language. Also a few other options and secrets added.
Really enjoying this so far! I went with Spirit because they seemed the most interesting. First Veil because Cleias lmao. Gonna go for another run and see what changes depending on choices.
Următorul update va îmbunătăți și mai mult calitatea writing-ului și multe alte aspecte. Sper să joci și atunci! (Probabil a 2-a saptamana din decembrie)
Both the story and your writing skill is phenomenal. I'm so glad I found this game.It is so unique. Would like to point out that I have encountered an error. Even though I choose my character to be a girl from the beginning, it automatically changes to a boy. Here are some screenshots. I hope these will help
I know I wear glasses and my vision is not perfect, but still, I made a stupid mistake. While I was testing the code to see if it's all working well, I apparently forgot to delete a gender flag I placed for this chapter's bug fixing run. It's all fine now. Thanks for that and thank you for your kind words!
Right, so that character is a bit different. There are a lot of spoilers involved, but he's not an RO. Of course, there will be way 'worse' people and RO's present in the story that will show up as time passes by. MC is still 'protected' by the family, but that will gradually change as they will get older.
As for your second question, there is, but I want to portray it differently. RO's will be willing to do it, but there will be many obstacles, especially from some of the parents, relatives, and from the general population as these relationships are frowned upon in the kingdom.
Your question will be answered later in the story :)
As for height, it will matter for sure. Of course, now the MC is still quite young, so it doesn't matter as much, but it will have an impact later. Some characters will react differently depending on your height.
Hello! I really love this story so far! I’m so addicted to this that I didn’t sleep till 5 am lol. But I want to point out an error which I notice. I’m at the part where the Corbin family came to visit me for the first time. Then at the scene where I go to the maze with Cleias (the companion I choose to go with me is Dimitrie (Hope I spell the names correctly since I’m forgetful). When my character ask hold Dimitrie’s hand he mentioned that his father told him to only hold girls hands. I chose my character to be a girl from the beginning. The same thing happen again when we return from the maze my father called me his son even though I’ve chosen to be a girl. The last error I notice so far is when Dimitrie came to visit me to my room after the adventure with the maze. We talk and there is an error message pop up. I took the screen shots and will upload here. I’m super stoked to continue reading right this moment and the misgendering won’t bother me since I really love the story. ❤️ I hope this screenshots will help.
Hiii and you’re welcome! Glad I could help you 😊 For the password of the chest for me personally it wasn’t obvious. I only tried a couple of times for about maybe about 10 minutes and I thought about giving up. But then I reread the hint again more carefully which made me realize what the answer is and I finally opened it. I felt so dumb when I realize the answer and it took me a bit long to realize since I’m just slow at solving puzzles/riddles in general. But I believe you did great with the hint. Hope this helps answering your question 👍
okay eddy you asked for feedback.. so get ready for a long ass comment. My apologies lol
Firstly you published first in April. Seeing that you aren't a native English speaker.. from someone that also isn't a English speaker but seeing how well, quickly and eloquently this story is, is fucking insane. You are already busy with chapter 4 and as someone that follows aloooot of IFs updates take....forever!!! You are a beast my dude. Especially considering how long your chapters are.
I love the detailed storyline and how each element is vastly goddamn different (i chose spirit and they are a goddamn asshole btw) and the complexity of the characters.
I don't want to spoil too much.. bt our MCs parents are... special.... especially dearest dad. Oh and I would love to know why our uncle is even.. a thing.
You have a encyclopedia that's still expanding with notes and stats which also must take alot of work.
You just did so much!! It's crazy how wonderful you are!
This was sooo good and I was excited just going from chapter to chapter.
My only question is will the other ROs be various genders? Or gender selectable? except for our bestie she's already a girl
I'm so excited to read more into this wonderful world you created. Thank u ♥️
Hey! I want to thank you for taking the time to share some thoughts on the game. Your feedback means a lot, and I'm happy that you liked it. I have big plans for the future of the story and the family. The elements will be even more unique. For example, being Spirit, there will be optional dialogue choices that might change some outcomes. The same goes for others, each with their own nature. As for ROs, their gender will be a fixed point in the story. The idea is to give each of them unique personalities and problems that might not be as relevant if they were gender-selectable. I also have more RO's in mind. For example, two will show up in the next chapter. The idea is that this aspect of the game will be more relevant a little later, as MC will grow up. You'll still get to meet a majority of them as years pass by. Also, Chapter 4 will take a little more time to make than the earlier chapters. Thank you for your kind words :)
thank you for replying. I an honestly so excited. And excited to see the different dynamics with each Ro and take your time. You are a person not a machine. Trust we will be here when you update. ♥️😇
At first i was a bit annoyed by the amount of ellipsis in the sentences but as ch2 rolled in i was hooked. The pace picked up and i really enjoy the dynamic MC has with the voice. Cant wait for future updates :D
Yes, there were many of them, but mostly as a way to tell that MC doesn't know what to say due to their age. There won't be as many in the future, only when truly needed :) Thanks!
Also, I hope to see where the story will bring our MC, and what kind of things we can do/convince others to do, though Dad is kinda mhmm violent with everyone but family Perhaps we will get to be a actually good family
Thank you for trying my game, that's where it ends, yes. There will be 3 routes for the MC evil, kind or in between. The family will react and try to adapt to your alignment. (not all of them)
I may also say thanks you for publishing the game, the pleasure goes to both ways, though MC and little friend gonna be a bit traumatized by the event with the teacher
← Return to game
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Hello! I read a fair chunk of your story. I understand it's a WIP, but I wrote some notes. The document turned out quite long, as I had to quote some of the paragraphs where I was referencing specific text. Some of the notes are pointing out typos and program errors, while others are more general about the story.
I put it all on pastebin and set the link to unlisted + exp in 6 months. Feel free to check it out here if you're interested: https://pastebin.com/L4Wf1i4K
It's your story so feel free to take them or leave them, of course. However, I figured maybe some of the notes I wrote could be helpful, and at least save some of your time finding typos.
Have a nice day!
Thank you for your inputs and feedback. It's really helpful for the story and it helps with the improving, but if I'm being honest I kinda feel close to scrapping it all already. I've had less time to invest in the game lately. I think I need a break to focus on some real life things for a while. We'll see how that goes.
Hey author - thanks for the response and no problem. Happy to hear my notes have helped. Sorry to hear that you're considering scrapping it. I totally get how writing such a story can be very time-consuming, especially because I also write and I'm slow AF lol.
Of course, as a reader, I'd love to see you keep at it. Even if you need to go on hiatus for a while, or do much smaller updates, I definitely think it's a project worth continuing. Even if you have to relaunch the project a few years from now, it'd be great if you didn't scrap it entirely.
Either way, wishing ya the best. Good luck with whatever you decide on.
spoons.
Sooo... Can we get some hints about the RO's? (Like the red flag one? asking for a friend)
There's a certain red flag RO that will show up in Chapter 6 on Cleias route, and later if you went the Grandfather route. Still, even if you think a RO is all nice and kind, time might change things. (Some will grow up differently)
okay, so there are 3 girls and 2 guys?
Yes. I'm still thinking about one more RO but it's not settled yet.
Thank you!
Just finished, great game. Can't wait to read some more.
MC childhood is adorable if a bit horrifying in some spots. Parents are actually nice if with some eccentricities when it come to the father. Gramps is a beast. Kalya is adorable as a best friend and it's fun seeing relationship grow.
One more thing:
⠀⠀⢀⣀⣀⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⣴⣿⣿⣿⣿⣶⣄⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠙⠻⠿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣷⣄⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠈⠉⠛⠿⣿⣿⣿⣦⡀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠈⠙⢿⣿⣿⣦⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠈⠻⣿⣷⣄⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠈⢿⣿⣦⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠙⣿⣧⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠘⣿⣷⣤⣀⣀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣦⣄⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⣏⠹⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣧⡀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⢻⡄⠙⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣷⡀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠈⢻⣦⡈⠻⣿⣿⣿⣿⣿⣧⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠙⠻⣶⣤⣙⣻⣿⣿⠏⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠉⠉⠛⠋⠁⠀⠀
Thank you so much for your kind words and for spotting bugs. I appreciate it! Hope to see you here on the next updates too!
Hats off to a fellow spoon enjoyer! :)
And another
It's is when selecting to watch the sky with Kalya and "Get closer to her" at the lake with funny name
Sorry it's hard to explain the location in story
save
https://pixeldrain.com/u/P6thL1BU
Fixed! Thanks!
Few errors after being "kidnapped" and pressing "The elemental has a question"
also there is a broken </div> right by the button
save
https://pixeldrain.com/u/mkKD9Zrg
Fixed! Thanks for helping, bug-catcher!
Error: the passage "(unknown)" does not exist
Hey! I'm not home right now so I can't check the code, but I played through the first chapter on the phone and managed to advance. Could you please tell me what word you used? I'll try to fix it when I can. (I believe this must be about the first word said when MC is a baby?)
Yes, it's the baby bit.
Strange word i used last time works now, but after trying few random ones found aword "speak" both capitalized and nottrigger it.Also space both in front and after any? word trigger it
I think it's because rolled back and tried another word, initial word works after rollback but no other does
here's a save
https://pixeldrain.com/u/ypxhpkbA
The word used was "Yes"
Thanks! I'll check it out tomorrow and try to fix it if I can.
I added a text box with a confirm button under. It should fix the issue. I also found another bug in chapter 5 regarding two different values. Forgot to add a $. Should work as intended. :)
Great game I like it very much :) can't wait for the update
Thank you!!
*psst what is the password i the maze? I thought it was the characters first word since I chose the 7 letter first word but I cant open it..."
The password is Diavolul (it's in the hint phrase). You have to type it in the box and press submit :)
Pretty good story. Though Chapter 5? Was there something before all this? xD
Yes, I released each chapter individually. As for the 'Reborn' in the title, I improved the writing and grammar in the earlier chapters since English is not my first language. Also a few other options and secrets added.
I see. o:
Well, most of the grammar looked good to me, so you did good. c:
Thanks for the quick reply too. c:
Nice seeing Sarma in your game. I like it myself too. :D
Really enjoying this so far! I went with Spirit because they seemed the most interesting. First Veil because Cleias lmao. Gonna go for another run and see what changes depending on choices.
Thank you for playing!
Chapter 6 will be quite different based on the chosen Veil and element. There will be a lot more fighting scenes overall. It's finally time.
fucking SPOON!
Dap, ești 100% româncă :)
Chiar ți-a ieșit fain (nu m-am așteptat să văd numele "lord Greblă" dar a fost amuzant)
Român* și mersi că ai jucat :)
Următorul update va îmbunătăți și mai mult calitatea writing-ului și multe alte aspecte. Sper să joci și atunci! (Probabil a 2-a saptamana din decembrie)
Va fi mult mai fain!
Both the story and your writing skill is phenomenal. I'm so glad I found this game.It is so unique. Would like to point out that I have encountered an error. Even though I choose my character to be a girl from the beginning, it automatically changes to a boy. Here are some screenshots. I hope these will help
I know I wear glasses and my vision is not perfect, but still, I made a stupid mistake. While I was testing the code to see if it's all working well, I apparently forgot to delete a gender flag I placed for this chapter's bug fixing run. It's all fine now. Thanks for that and thank you for your kind words!
So romantic being called beautiful and even using his blood to write to me...
Tell me he's a love interest please 👀👀
(Also is the game LGBT?)
Right, so that character is a bit different. There are a lot of spoilers involved, but he's not an RO. Of course, there will be way 'worse' people and RO's present in the story that will show up as time passes by. MC is still 'protected' by the family, but that will gradually change as they will get older.
As for your second question, there is, but I want to portray it differently. RO's will be willing to do it, but there will be many obstacles, especially from some of the parents, relatives, and from the general population as these relationships are frowned upon in the kingdom.
Thanks!
damn then if he's not a ro then he's just some weird obsessed talker calling me beautiful? XD
Ah I see! Well if they're not happy I'll just cut their head... Thank god you can date any Ro even if you're same gender hehe
Oh will things like height affect actively the story? Like being looked down on if a smaller character, or thought as 'cute' or something like that
Your question will be answered later in the story :)
As for height, it will matter for sure. Of course, now the MC is still quite young, so it doesn't matter as much, but it will have an impact later. Some characters will react differently depending on your height.
thank you very much for answering everything, I love how your story is working and can't wait for more, I'll wait patiently!
I will donate you 10 dollars, thanks for your hard work heheh
Thank you very much for your support! I hope to see you stick around. Heheh indeed!
Hello! I really love this story so far! I’m so addicted to this that I didn’t sleep till 5 am lol. But I want to point out an error which I notice. I’m at the part where the Corbin family came to visit me for the first time. Then at the scene where I go to the maze with Cleias (the companion I choose to go with me is Dimitrie (Hope I spell the names correctly since I’m forgetful). When my character ask hold Dimitrie’s hand he mentioned that his father told him to only hold girls hands. I chose my character to be a girl from the beginning. The same thing happen again when we return from the maze my father called me his son even though I’ve chosen to be a girl. The last error I notice so far is when Dimitrie came to visit me to my room after the adventure with the maze. We talk and there is an error message pop up. I took the screen shots and will upload here. I’m super stoked to continue reading right this moment and the misgendering won’t bother me since I really love the story. ❤️ I hope this screenshots will help.
Hey!
Thank you for pointing them out! I fixed the issues. I also plan to revisit the chapters later to improve some of the flow of the text.
Also, one thing I'm curious about. Was the password to the chest too obvious?
Hiii and you’re welcome! Glad I could help you 😊 For the password of the chest for me personally it wasn’t obvious. I only tried a couple of times for about maybe about 10 minutes and I thought about giving up. But then I reread the hint again more carefully which made me realize what the answer is and I finally opened it. I felt so dumb when I realize the answer and it took me a bit long to realize since I’m just slow at solving puzzles/riddles in general. But I believe you did great with the hint. Hope this helps answering your question 👍
Thanks!
Glad to know it worked out in the end!
You’re welcome! 😄
Atleast you got it. My dumbass keeps giving up because i just cant figure it out.
Hey, if you're talking about the maze password, the answer is in the hint phrase itself.
Awesome wip. Cant wait for chapter 4
Thanks. It's coming soon!
You are a man of your word I see. Thanks for the update
okay eddy you asked for feedback.. so get ready for a long ass comment. My apologies lol
Firstly you published first in April. Seeing that you aren't a native English speaker.. from someone that also isn't a English speaker but seeing how well, quickly and eloquently this story is, is fucking insane. You are already busy with chapter 4 and as someone that follows aloooot of IFs updates take....forever!!! You are a beast my dude. Especially considering how long your chapters are.
I love the detailed storyline and how each element is vastly goddamn different (i chose spirit and they are a goddamn asshole btw) and the complexity of the characters.
I don't want to spoil too much.. bt our MCs parents are... special.... especially dearest dad. Oh and I would love to know why our uncle is even.. a thing.
You have a encyclopedia that's still expanding with notes and stats which also must take alot of work.
You just did so much!! It's crazy how wonderful you are!
This was sooo good and I was excited just going from chapter to chapter.
My only question is will the other ROs be various genders? Or gender selectable? except for our bestie she's already a girl
I'm so excited to read more into this wonderful world you created. Thank u ♥️
Hey! I want to thank you for taking the time to share some thoughts on the game. Your feedback means a lot, and I'm happy that you liked it. I have big plans for the future of the story and the family. The elements will be even more unique. For example, being Spirit, there will be optional dialogue choices that might change some outcomes. The same goes for others, each with their own nature. As for ROs, their gender will be a fixed point in the story. The idea is to give each of them unique personalities and problems that might not be as relevant if they were gender-selectable. I also have more RO's in mind. For example, two will show up in the next chapter. The idea is that this aspect of the game will be more relevant a little later, as MC will grow up. You'll still get to meet a majority of them as years pass by. Also, Chapter 4 will take a little more time to make than the earlier chapters. Thank you for your kind words :)
thank you for replying. I an honestly so excited. And excited to see the different dynamics with each Ro and take your time. You are a person not a machine. Trust we will be here when you update. ♥️😇
Love the story so far, I hope you make a tumbler would be really cool!
Thank you!
Really looking forward to the next chapter! Also would love to see a Tumblr page for this, if you do make one you already have yourself a follower!
Thank you!
At first i was a bit annoyed by the amount of ellipsis in the sentences but as ch2 rolled in i was hooked. The pace picked up and i really enjoy the dynamic MC has with the voice. Cant wait for future updates :D
Yes, there were many of them, but mostly as a way to tell that MC doesn't know what to say due to their age. There won't be as many in the future, only when truly needed :) Thanks!
This was super fun! love the way you wrote the relationship between the mc and the voice.
Thank you!
Not gonna lie, that was fun as hell.. looking forward to the next chapter🤭🩷💙
Hey, thanks!
This is fascinating ngl. I am interested to see how the mc will develop.
Thank you!
Very good i like it
Thank you for trying my game! I will release the whole chapter 1 in the next few days.
Yes pls :)
Ah yes the all mighty spoon
Excuse me, i need a spoooo... it's okay I found one!
Love it! Would really love to play like as a kind person, since i don't like making innocent people suffer, only the bad ones though.
Thank you for trying my game! There will be plenty of opportunities to make people suffer later, good and/or bad :)
Ia the last word of the first chapter "Yummy"?
Also, I hope to see where the story will bring our MC, and what kind of things we can do/convince others to do, though Dad is kinda mhmm violent with everyone but family Perhaps we will get to be a actually good family
i saw that too LMAO
Thank you for trying my game!
Thank you for trying my game, that's where it ends, yes. There will be 3 routes for the MC evil, kind or in between. The family will react and try to adapt to your alignment. (not all of them)
oooo you answered!
I may also say thanks you for publishing the game, the pleasure goes to both ways, though MC and little friend gonna be a bit traumatized by the event with the teacher